tis the season

with things at work getting ever busier, and with the season's many social engagements, i simply have not found the time or energy to think, much less write. i feel very out of touch with the world right now; i've become quasi-apathetic about the things i once relished, especially political discourse, out of necessity. my world revolves around business meetings, document processing, and flying from one dinner/party/date to the next.

yesterday, though, i stopped. for about eight hours, i was at a spa, getting my hair done, a mani/pedi, a facial, and a massage. it was more zen than it probably should have been. well, to be honest, it was a little more scarlett o'hara than zen. but with scarlett's "fiddle-dee-dee"s and "i will think about that tomorrow. tomorrow is another day"s, i think there is some wisdom in her narcissistic and delusional approach to life. i spent a whole day thinking about essentially nothing. i have gotten abnormally good at thinking about nothing, staring off into space and disengaging. in fact, since my depression began in late summer, that's pretty much all i've wanted to do. yesterday, the gf and i were in something of a "it's a fight but we're pretending it's not," work has been overwhelming this month (to say the least), and christmas is right around the corner. i woke up agitated from the late-night fight/no it's not/yes it is/no really we're fine/okay we're not...at 6:30 a.m. (my gf and i did finally manage to have one of our epic heart-to-hearts to put the situation aright, but not until late last night.) i put my frenetic energy to good use, exorcising my room of the dust it had collected in the past couple of weeks, and then i headed to the spa. as soon as i stepped into the frigid morning, i felt my psyche begin to melt. it needed a break, in a big way. the whole day at the spa i chatted with strangers, flirting and schmoozing and pretending my life disappeared at the door. when one of my many pesky stresses tried to butt into my day of pampering, i simply pushed it aside and said, "not now." i had no idea what a day of letting other people take care of you could do. i'm definitely planning another day--probably just hair and facial, as yesterday was expensive even with my gift certificates--to just relax, treat myself, and leave my cares at the door. it's crazy how much better just a haircut can make me feel.

yesterday also brought into sharp focus how bad i am at self-care. i take care of everyone else, but i neglect myself. i spend money on doing things other people want to do, lend it to friends in need, give it away to the needy, but i rarely if ever spend money on doing something to rejuvenate myself. i don't take trips to just get away, retreats, spa days, none of it. i run myself ragged trying to please everyone else. i listen to my friends, try to respond to their needs, and refuse to name my own needs. my therapist talks a lot about the different parts of our psyche--manager parts, needy parts, protector parts. we talk a lot about how my manager parts have been a great asset to me in periods of difficulty; i often trade on my industriousness and dependability for protection, admiration, affection. but my manager parts are overworked and don't know how to turn off, and they shout above the needy parts, which i neglet for fear that looking needy will cause others to reject me (turns out i have some pretty significant abandonment issues). now that i am trying to pay better attention to the needy parts, i feel so needy so often that it makes me feel emabarrassed and kind of dirty. it has long been a saving grace for me that i am so solid and dependable that others never really require any vulnerability of me. it is hard to strike this balance, especially during a season of frantic holiday shopping for everyone on one's list, trying to give to others who need assistance, always being asked to look outward.

which brings me to advent. although i didn't go this morning, i have been attending church regularly and being reminded all over again of the importance of sacred space and sacred community in my life. it has also reminded me why advent is such a beautiful season. advent is a time of reflection, of centering, of waiting attentively in darkness for a single spark, a sign of hope that peace, love, grace, and mercy can blanket the earth and wrap our lives in warmth. for a person like me, who has such a difficult time surrendering to anything and who has found herself having panic attacks in the middle of the night, advent is a reminder that darkness, stillness, and the loneliness of the night can actually be gifts of stillness and solitude to persons whose lives are riddled with noise, movement, worry, stress. the night is long, and it is hard to be awake while others sleep, but in the cold darkness is the potential to wait--for the darkness to turn to light, for the anxiety to melt into calm, for the raging bitterness to give way to surrender and even gratitude. this is a hard-won lesson for me. it's not easy for me to let go, to surrender, to trust another person, or to give myself or others the grace we deserve. but i think that's part of why advent, with its shroud of mystery and its gentle crescendo, appeals to me. it's about waiting for an eventuality with patience and expectation, being present in the anticipation and confident that we will not be disappointed, and then the promise is fulfilled. i truly hope that the world even sometimes works this way, and the only reason i hold such a hope is because i celebrate advent and have seen these kinds of small, wonderful miracles happen in the lives of those i love: grief dissipates and turns to celebration, sickness turns to health, life goes on in the face of adversity, friends show up at the right time in the right place. i've really struggled with this depression and with these late night panics that have sometimes placed my partner in emotionally precarious places (like yesterday's fight/non-fight), but i hope that through self-care and indulging and expressing the vulnerable, needy parts of me, my life will look a lot different in the coming weeks, months, even years.

i guess i've had a lot on my mind lately. the winter is upon us, friends. i pray that your lives will be filled with light, that unexpected kindnesses will be abundant, and that we will all experience grace upon grace.