getting over it.

there have been some pretty big things happening in my life in the past week or so. first of all, for a long time now, my gf has been telling me i'm depressed. now, i'm pretty good at knowing things like that about myself. of course i knew i was depressed...am depressed. i know. i'm all about self care and bullshit like that. it's hard when you lose your way in a matter of days. the rug got pulled out from beneath me, and i hit the ground hard: thud. it's disorienting in ways i had long forgotten about--i don't know how to deal with it anymore. this numbness and disillusion used to be a way of life for me, a baseline of emotional subsistence. for a long time it felt far away, to the point that i no longer felt that i was "co-existing with my depression," as i wrote in a high school journal. i guess my high school self was more right than i wanted to believe: i do live always with another half, a me who can easily slip into feelings of worthlessness and disinterest. the depressed me co-exists with a very healthy me, though--the me who is committed to self care and listening to/meeting myself with compassion. it's the me who likes healthy meals, exercise, good sleep, singing, dancing, reading and writing and not indulging in overstimulation (which, i have learned, is a way i numb myself to reality--t.v. at night, zoning out, not focusing). so, i am recognizing to reckoning with this duality. i finally told my therapist last week how i'd been feeling, as opposed to dissecting some event in my life, which is what i usually do (to avoid this very topic). i told her that my friend chris's description of his life when he was depressed, that everything felt muted as if someone had turned down the volume on his life, felt very true for me as well. i told her i felt numb and overwhelmed by the very thought of going out and being around people. nothing seems fun, it just seems frenetic, taxing, and overwhelming. i feel drained all the time. i don't feel like i have time to take care of myself, to find quietude. i hated saying all of this, but i knew i had to. first, it was the truth. second, it's the only way to move toward some other possibility. so, i've succumbed to my depressed self for a while, but i am trying to find ways to move back toward balance.

my therapist and i talked about learning to name what i need, to think about what i need to find balance in my life. i need some quiet, and i need some sacred space. this brings me to my second big thing: i went to church sunday. i think i found a nice little church close to my house, full of fiesty seniors and some committed young adults, as well as a strong support of lgbt persons. the people were just lovely, and i felt very welcome there. it's the first church i've attended in boston that i can't wait to visit again next sunday! then, after church, i took a "holy nap" (sunday naps are the kings of all naps) while my gf made me lunch: curried kale and chickpeas and couscous with golden fruits and vegetables (apricots, raisins, butternut squash, and carrots). she then cajoled me into carving a pumpkin. it looks remedial next to hers, but it was more fun than i would ever admit to her. :) it was a wonderful, relaxing day, just what i needed.

the third big thing actually forced me to suspend my depression, it made me so happy. :) last tuesday or wednesday morning i hopped on the scale, just out of sheer morbid curiosity. i actually felt like i must have gained weight and expected to get really mad at myself for not using more discretion about my eating and exercising habits of late. instead, i saw 197. i know that for most people who read this blog, 197 is not a goal weight. most of you are thin, healthy folks, yadda yadda yadda. but i haven't seen a 1 at the beginning of my weight since i was 15, maybe 16 (but probably 15). twenty one, almost 22 years of gaining weight, and about four and a half of taking it off--and keeping it off. eighty five disappearing pounds later, i finally don't feel like quite such a cow next to all my friends. i finally feel like i'm getting on down to the core me--physically and emotionally. part of why i'm so worn down now is that i haven't slowed down since london, almost six years ago now. it's been six glorious years of learning, growth, adventure, and figuring out how not to let certain pieces of me define the whole of me. it's been six years of gaining full control of my shiny new adult life. ironically, the newness of adulthood is almost like infancy all over again--it starts all slick and slimy, and it's so new that everything hurts a little. then comes the play phase, where everything is fun and exciting, every experience a learning one. it's only now that i'm learning that i am not bound to any fate i had previously imagined. i don't have to live a morbidly obese life, a victim hiding beneath 100+ extra pounds. i can shed the victimization of my youth, at the hands of those who claimed to love me. i get this amazing opportunity to reclaim my life and tell myself the truth instead of believing the lies i was fed growing up. i feel like i finally have the upper hand.


this is me in claremont four years ago...















...and this is me with my spiffed up gf at a wedding last month.

[i love this picture of us. we're cute, right? ;) ]