grace.

one of my most trusted advisers, when i presented my most recent quandary regarding my future, said, "don't hide your light under a bushel." i have also been reading a book called traveling mercies: some thoughts on faith, in which the author frequently quotes Bible verses to herself in response to her own questions as she tries to make some sense of the way life works. lately, i've felt Bible verses and hymns finding their way to me, wafting through the years of my life i've all but forgotten, notes and phrases that seem to be caught in a specific place and time. i imagine these melodies and proverbs as dust particles caught in the light that filtered through the stained glass of the methodist church of my childhood. they are ancient words trapped in late afternoon light, and they seem to want to call me back to a place of rememberance. it's a place i haven't been in so long, a place that frightens and intrigues me. it's jesus.

i feel like i have made some peace with jesus, but i still sometimes miss him--miss him like, hey friend, i miss you, and miss him like missed the boat, ships passing in the night, like that. i find him when he meets me in the stillness and silence of my heart, which sometimes feels so broken that i'm not entirely sure it's even beating anymore. and then those melodies, the sweet refrains of childlike faith, "jesus, jesus, jeeeeeeesus, there's just something about that name--master, savior, jeeeeeeeeeesus, like a fragrance after the rain," and "grace, grace, god's grace, grace that can pardon and cleanse within...." at some place deep inside, a magnet pulls me back to the comfort zone that has grown so uncomfortable. it's healing and disconcerting all at once.

two thoughts spring to mind: one, my gf has a job she loves. a career she loves. and this fact sometimes makes me so jealous that i can't see straight. which inevitably happens, the comparisons that render me blind to my own joys, strengths, and abilities. i so envy people who have what i want (which, right now, is a sense of purpose and direction) that i lose myself all over again in the grief of longing for that which i do not have and the envy that can be all-consuming and detrimental. two, i recently read an article about forgiveness. i've been thinking a great deal about forgiveness lately, partly because i seem to forgive and be forgiven a lot, and partly because my therapist goes out of her way to applaud my "spiritual generosity," and ability to forgive and forget (to the point that it annoys the hell out of me). anyhoo, the article said to pick a word/phrase/object that would help you forgive. then it said to repeat, "forgiveness is in me" at least four times when you feel like you need to forgive and/or be forgiven. but grace is my word, has been my word. john wesley's prevenient grace, going ahead of us and reaching behind to pull us through the griefs of anger, doubt, and self-hatred. justifying grace that helps us see and accept the love in our lives in all its forms, whether or not we deserve it. sanctifying grace that redeems us moment by moment. so i now find myself constantly whispering "grace is in me, grace is within me," and i hear the melody, and i meet jesus.